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It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.