Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
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If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Oh my god
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I’m tired tomorrow.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.