When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
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I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.