Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
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Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows