My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
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me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?