1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
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[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
This a good idea
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.