Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
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Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
My love language is hissing.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.