Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
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Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.