None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
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i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Here’s a meme
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…