We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
You Might Also Like
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.