Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.