[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
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I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
😩😩😩
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO