No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
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For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.