I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
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My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Strange
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
58.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are