*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
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me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent