[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
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wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
“We will wed,” I threatened
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail