My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
😂🤣😂🤣
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.