Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
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Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?