Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
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Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.