Facebook marketplace is a different world
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Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
smh
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.