Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
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If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”