Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
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BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare