Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
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Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.