I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
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“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires