Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
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“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Quadruple digit IQ
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I feel seen
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.