<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
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I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.