This headline is a thing of beauty
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I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Jogging