me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
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Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
No, I don’t think I will.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices