Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
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bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Good news
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.