Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
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Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
fair
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.