“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.