*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
what it’s like dating me:
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Reporter: *ports again*
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
peak technology
Yep.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard