Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
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My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
do u think theres a butter planet?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.