I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.