Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
You Might Also Like
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.