In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
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Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT