I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
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Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.