“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
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16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?