olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
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pep talk
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Holy moly
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
My sex drive has a dui
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I need this for my side hustle.