As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
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Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off