*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
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Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
oh no, steve’s working tonight