Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Doggies just call it style.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit