Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
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[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore