Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
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Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.