shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
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Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.