Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
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“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I’ve had relationships like this
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?