Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
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Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.