My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
This is a bad sign
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.