I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
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How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
United Steaks of America
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out