All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
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[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for